For about a week already, the Lord has been showing me some tremendous things in my life. I had come off a “spiritual high” after getting a long-awaited full-time job that I had been praying for for many months. And I knew I wasn’t going to stay on the mountaintop for too long, so I prayed, “Lord, I don’t want to abandon you now when things are very good in my life. I want to stay deep with you and remain in fellowship with you, so please keep me close to you, and when we go off the mountain, I will have you with me still.”
He has been there with me as we’re coming off the mountain. For the past week, I’ve had a tremendous time of self-reflection and inner healing through prayer, about some things that have been haunting me and plaguing my life lately. I started to feel my “performance orientation” again, acting like I needed to earn love from even my closest friends, rather than not trying to earn their love or keep it.
I have been selfish lately with a friend, and it grieved me much to realize after the fact that I had been selfish and uncaring. I had gotten back into an old habit of pushing myself into others’ lives more than I am initially welcome. And while my friend was gracious, eventually I was faced with my selfishness.
This morning I was reading Brennan Manning, and I found some insightful and helpful words:
[Silence] is much like the story of the harried executive whoe went to the desert father and complained about his frustration in prayer, his flawed virtue, and his failed relationships. The hermit listened closely to his visitor’s rehearsal of the struggle and disappointments in trying to lead a Christian life. He then went into the dark recesses of his cave and came out witha basin and a picther of water.
“Now watch the water as I pour it into the basin,” he said. The water splashed on the bottom and against the sides of the container. It was agitated and turbulent. At first the stirred-up water swirled around and inside of the basin; then it gradually began to settle, until finally the small fast ripples evolved into larger swells that oscillated back and forth. Eventually, the surface became so smooth that the visitor could see his face reflected in the placid water. “That is the way it is when you live constantly in the midst of others,” said the hermit. “You do not see yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance. You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness of your belovedness slowly fades.”
I’ve found solace and comfort in silence more and more as I’m getting (slowly) older. And I’m sure once my new job starts, I’ll need this time more and more in order to be able to love others. Waiting patiently for the Lord in silence is scary and unsettling, but it brings inner healing. “Draw close to God and he will draw close to you” is a very real truth in my life right now.
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